Lately, honestly I don't know why - but after talking it out with my long time friend; I made a couple of realizations about myself and WoW. It still is kind of surprising to say... but Vanilla days I don't miss - it was the core of the guilds back then that I do. (Also, I'm known for putting music to my emotions, I recommend
DJ Khaled "
Go Hard.")
The kind of player I am is practically dead.
The kind of player I am, was whipped into shape under brutal hands of Tyrants. Threats motivated me; the threat of constantly being replaced for something as simple as D/C's, not listening, being told 1 to many times my assignment. There was always a constant reminder that I was not the best and being replaceable made me strive to be the few percent of the exceptional female player that I am today in WoW.
I have thick skin and I'm stubborn, but if I didn't could I tolerate all the GM abuse? I've spent 4 wartorn years on a PVP server, playing a healing class, yet for some reason I went cold turkey and left the Hardcore ways one day. Said 'F-U' to PVP and wanted to apply myself to see if I could let my Tyrant loving ways go. Honestly some days its futile. Sometimes I want the whip to come down hard and crack some skulls. I want some people to get their lashes or go down the walk of shame never to return.
It sounds mean, but I am so not used to otherwise. Coming to a PVE server was the best thing I could think of to make me less aggressive towards stupidity, but really just became more aggressive in general. An agressive female? They do exsist. Competitive females? Also do exsist. While I don't think I'll ever get rid of my competitive gaming edge, I'm trying to be more understanding.
I am trying to think of a few challenges for myself. It's hard to keep motivating myself at this point while the game continues to decrease itself and the player community. Tuned down instances, nerfs and overpowering of classes, everything makes for a much different WoW. WoW is more and more casual and Tyrants are no longer acceptable or needed to see content. Thus alot more hand-holding.
Honestly some days I hate thinking about all the Tyrants I had to deal with, but I had never played with such exceptional players before. I appreciate that time, I understand it now. Trying to let go of the fact that there are fewer and fewer exceptional players kind of breaks my heart. I play with them from time to time, the Unicorns of WoW. Seems kind of silly to put them on a pedestal. But I love learning. The day I stop wanting to learn about how to be better, is the day I won't play any games of any kind.
Where do I go to learn? To be a more compassionate player. To be more forgiving. To just appreciate playing for no goals, or loot, or anyone - but for the simple mechanic of fun. Where do I go to declaw myself, to have someone tell me "It's okay to wipe dear." It maybe simple to some people, but for someone post-core its difficult to watch foundations crumble and not fight for something more.
Was trying something new the wrong thing to do? Maybe it was too big a step for me? I honestly have more questions then answers. Now I'm here almost a year has past on this PVE-Server. Unsatisfied. Is that how I am going to go? Is this how I let the hardcore part of me die, defeated by accepting less then perfection, in players, guilds, everyone including myself?
I just shivered now. Pretty scary realizations.
I'd like to hear your opinions - comment your heart out. Thanks!
~Viv
Well, like I said was kicking this around and it honestly lightened me. I also want to applogize for any recent rudeness in the last 2 weeks or so. IRL aggro, emotion signals getting crossed and the prospect of losing something I love to do just all decided to collide into a super-sized giant snake orgy of death. There was no rememdy to this, perhaps I could've handled myself better.
